


Buttons

by flootzavut



Series: Orientation (College and Otherwise) [9]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, CUverse, College AU, Implied past badness, M/M, Nightmares, Rage eats a chicken, References to Homophobia, Romance, Stupid college boyfriends, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2019-08-23 05:44:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16613024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: "He has the keys, and an open invitation to come around. Hawk'll understand why he didn't want to be alone, right?"BJ heads to Hawkeye's apartment after the encounter with Frank.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts), [shewho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shewho/gifts), [alleyesonthehindenburg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alleyesonthehindenburg/gifts).



> This made more sense to me as a separate story, but it follows on directly from Non Sequitur (... that seems mildly ironic), and thus touches on some of the events and follows up on the recovery from that story.

* * *

_**Buttons** _

* * *

 

Peg and Donna take care of him well, but insisting he'll be fine and heading for Hawk's place makes complete sense until BJ's out on the street and actually heading over there. Despite Peg's reassurances, despite the fact Frank Burns is evidently a total tool, the thought of himself as just Hawk's latest conquest, latest fucktoy, isn't exactly a brand new notion. If Burns knows enough to know who Hawk's sleeping with, then maybe he has insight BJ doesn't. Maybe BJ should be wary now they've actually fucked.

Still, his feet have no such compunction; he's walking down Hawk's street before he can talk himself out of it.

He has the keys, and an open invitation to come around. Hawk'll understand why he didn't want to be alone, right? Hawk is a lot of things, and maybe some of them aren't great, but he's always been kind to BJ, he's always been ready to help with anything he could.

BJ keeps saying it as he lets himself into the building, as he walks up the stairs, as he makes his way down the hall, but once he's actually outside Hawkeye's door, he loses his nerve.

What if Hawk has someone in there? What if he's asleep and BJ wakes him? What if the key was more conditional than Hawk let on and he takes it back because BJ used it when he shouldn't? What if, what if,  _what if_...

He's probably being stupid, but he still can't bring himself to knock or to unlock the door. He slides down the wall to sit on the floor, the doorjamb digging in uncomfortably where his shoulder hits it. He doesn't have the energy to move again. If he had any sense, he'd go back to his dorm room and sleep and figure out what to share or not tomorrow when he's no longer shaky and scared.

But he wants comfort. He wants Hawk. He wants to hold Hawk close, he wants the safety he finds in Hawk's arms. He wants to spill out his fear and have Hawk listen and be empathetic and tell him it'll be all right.

God, he's an idiot. He should've gone back to campus and licked his wounds in private. No one would want to see him like this, least of all Hawkeye, a man who's allergic to complications. "You're a fucking idiot," he tells himself, then (to his shame) buries his face in his knees and cries.

* * *

BJ doesn't intend to fall asleep. All he remembers is throwing himself a pity party, and next thing he knows, someone's shaking his shoulder.

"Beej? Beej, are you okay? Please be okay."

 _Hawk_. BJ could almost cry. Again. He looks up blearily and finds Hawk kneeling in front of him, wide-eyed and worried. "Hawk?"

Hawk takes a shaky breath and strokes the side of his face. "You almost gave me a heart-attack," he admits softly. "What the hell are you doing out here?"

BJ cringes. "I'm sorry, I can go-"

"That wasn't what I meant," Hawk interjects. "I mean... why didn't you let yourself in?"

"I didn't know if you were home."

"I gave you a key."

"I wasn't sure - I didn't know if you'd want me to just..."

Hawk huffs. "You're an idiot." He cups BJ's jaw in his hand and makes BJ look at him. "You're always welcome here, Beej."

There's a moment where they're staring at one another, then Hawk clambers to his feet and holds his hands out to help BJ up. BJ's stiff (sleeping in a corridor is not popular with his body), but Hawk not being mad at him for turning up out of the blue is such a relief, he can almost ignore the inevitable aches and pains.

Hawk shoulders his bookbag and lets them both in to the apartment. The light by the bed is on and the whole place seems so peaceful and cosy.

BJ's shoulders unknot a little. He feels at home here.

Hawk yawns hugely. "God, I'm exhausted."

"What time is it?"

"About half eleven?"

Jesus. BJ's slightly horrified he sat outside Hawkeye's apartment that long. "Oh."

"I was at the library. Didn't expect to find a present on my doorstep when I got in." Hawk grins. "Not a complaint, by the way, just an observation. You should've called."

BJ smiles sheepishly. "I didn't know you were out."

Hawk blinks. "What?"

"I didn't knock. I didn't want to disturb you."

Hawk cocks his head to one side. "You know, for a smart guy, you can be a remarkable dumbass."

BJ flushes. It's said with a lot of warmth, and Hawk's bewilderment is making all his worries about whether it was okay to use the key Hawk gave him seem pretty absurd. "I know."

" _Idiot_ ," Hawk says affectionately, then runs a hand up into BJ's hair, pulls him in close, and presses a kiss to his forehead. "I'm ready to drop," he says. "You coming?"

He doesn't give BJ time to answer, just heads for bed, shedding clothing as he goes. As offers go, BJ's unlikely to get a better one, so he follows.

It's only when he tries to undress that he realises his hands are still shaking, hard enough that his buttons seem to be welded shut. "Damnit." This evening is just one disaster after another.

"Beej, you all right?"

"I can't - I can't get my fucking..."  _Don't cry again. Don't fucking cry_.

"Beej?"

He doesn't realise Hawk has gotten out of bed till Hawk's in his space, touching his cheek.

"Beej, are you okay? You're shaking, Beej, why are you shaking?" Hawk whispers.

BJ shakes his head. "I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm just... I can't undo my fucking  _buttons_."

It bursts out louder than BJ meant it to, but Hawk just tugs him over to sit on the bed and starts quietly and gently undressing him. It's almost BJ's undoing, how careful Hawk is with him. Hawk's already naked, and has to stifle a yawn with the back of his hand, but he doesn't complain or protest, doesn't ask again what's wrong, just looks after BJ like it's normal and natural and doesn't require a moment's thought.

Once BJ's down to his skivvies, he takes Hawk's hands in his and squeezes. "Thank you." He doesn't feel equal to nudity right now.

"That's okay," Hawk says. "Come to bed."

BJ nods. Hawk climbs back onto the bed and under the comforter; BJ crawls in beside him. Hawk switches off the bedside lamp and pulls him close, slips a hand into the back of BJ's shorts and rests his head on BJ's chest.

BJ's still shaken up, grateful for Hawk's warmth, confused by his reception and too tired to really think about any of it. In lieu of a better option, he wraps his arms around Hawk, breathes in a lungful of Hawk's familiar scent, and tells himself to get some sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

BJ wakes with a warm body holding him close and gentle fingers stroking his cheek.  _Hawk_. He's relieved before he even knows why he should be - being in Hawk's bed is so comforting. He snuggles in closer. He can't remember why he isn't naked, but their legs are tangled together, and he can feel Hawk's breath on his face. Once they're properly awake, well, nudity will inevitably follow.

"Hi, Hawk," he whispers.

"Morning." Hawk's voice is sharper than BJ expected first thing. Sharp, but calm. "You okay?"

"Mmhm."

"BJ?" Hawk rarely calls him that anymore, not in bed. He still sounds calm. Dangerously calm.

"Yeah?"

"Why is your cheek bruised?"

"What?" For a second, BJ honestly doesn't know what Hawk's talking about, but then he has a vivid flash, an image of a guy lunging for Peg, of a fist swinging round to make contact with his face, and he remembers all at once why he's not naked, why Hawk doesn't sound right. "Oh."

"Who did this to you?" Hawk's tone is mild curiosity, but BJ feels like he's tiptoeing around a live volcano.

"It was nothing, Hawk, it wasn't even meant for me-" (that doesn't actually make it any better, but he doesn't want Hawk to worry) "-I just got between this guy's fists and a friend."

"Which guy?" Hawk's voice is even more clipped now.

BJ screws up his face. "Uh... Burns, I think? Something Burns? He was hassling us. Calling me- us- names."

A long pause. "Frank Burns?"

"That... that sounds right. I didn't recognise him."

An even longer pause, and eventually BJ pulls back and opens his eyes. It takes him a moment to rub the sleep away and focus, then he sees Hawk's face and suddenly his heart is beating like a drum. "Hawk?"

Hawk's gone deathly pale, not like he saw a ghost but more like he just became one.

"Hawkeye?"

"What exactly did he say?"

BJ's cheeks flame. He doesn't remember all of it, but the things he recalls best aren't things he wants to repeat. If he's Hawk's fucktoy and nothing more, he'd rather live in denial a bit longer. "Uh, you know... baiting a couple of queer kids. Happens all the time, I expect."

"Did he know about... us?"

BJ nods. He doesn't trust himself to speak.

Hawk takes a deep breath. "Okay. Okay. You- you're staying here this weekend, okay?"

"What?"

"If you need anything from the dorm, I'll go get it, I just - I need you to stay here, Beej. Where I know you're safe."

"I don't understand."

" _Please_ , Beej." Hawk cups BJ's cheek.

BJ's never seen this expression on Hawk's face before, nor heard this tone of voice. "Okay," he says eventually. "All right, if it means this much to you."

Hawk lets out a noisy breath and presses his face to BJ's neck. "Thank you," he murmurs, snaking his arm around BJ's waist, uncomfortably tight.

BJ's tired and still a little wobbly, but he's sure there must be something else going on here. No way is Hawk this scared just because BJ got hassled. Surely much worse has happened to him than his... whatever BJ means to him getting called a few names.

"Hawk, are you okay?"

"Mmhm." It's pressed hard into BJ's skin, and he doesn't believe it for even a second, but he doesn't know what else to ask. At a loss what to do, he cuddles Hawk back, not so tight but firm and warm, stroking his back until he stops vibrating with tension, kissing the top of his head.

"Are you all right?" Hawk asks eventually.

"You already asked that."

"I- I just get worried." Hawk looks up at BJ and gives him a small smile. "You don't remember, do you?"

"Remember what?"

"You had a nightmare."

"I did?"

"Yeah. Woke me up at 4am with it."

"Sorry." BJ hasn't had a nightmare he remembered since he was a kid, but back then they could be violent.

"That wasn't what I meant, stupid. You were obviously pretty shook up."

"I'm okay, Hawk. Really." Hawk's insistence on keeping him around all weekend is almost enough to make up for what happened.

Hawk studies his face, then relaxes a little. "Okay. Okay."

"Hawk, do you know him? Burns, I mean?"

Hawk presses his lips into a tight line and shakes his head, then looks away. "I don't really know Frank," he says eventually, "except that he's a jerkwad. I do know some of his friends." He doesn't offer more, and BJ's afraid to press for details.

"Are you okay?"

Hawk glances up at him and laughs. It's forced, painful even. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? I'm fine." His eyes keep flicking away, then back up to catch BJ's. "It's all fine. Everything is both hunky and dory."

"Clearly." BJ sees the sarcasm land and wishes he'd kept his mouth shut.

"I'm  _fine_. I'm not the one who got hassled. Are you okay? Did he hurt you besides-" Hawk gestures at BJ's cheek.

"No. I didn't let him."

"That's my Beej." Hawk grins widely, though it doesn't reach his eyes. "They'll learn quick not to cross you." He cranes up to drop a kiss on BJ's cheekbone. "My mom always used to do that whenever I got an owie," he says. It would be cute if it didn't feel like the cuteness is taking such a toll on him, like it's taking everything he has to keep smiling.

"Hawk..."

Hawk gives him a bright, open look that feels as fake as the cuteness, but it doesn't matter because BJ still has no idea what to ask.

He could lean in for a proper kiss, could run his hand down Hawk's side and back up between his legs, coax him hard and make him whimper. But although sex would be a welcome distraction, BJ's not confident enough to initiate it. What Frank said is still churning around in his brain. He couldn't deal with rejection just now.

Besides, the way Hawk's holding on to him like a security blanket isn't sexual in the slightest. Something's  _not right_  here, and he really doesn't want to cajole Hawk into sex when there's clearly something so very wrong _._

God. He's confused, tired, still shaken up, and when Hawk nuzzles in again, BJ lets him.

A treacherous part of BJ's mind points out he's still not naked - and Hawk doesn't even slip his hands into BJ's clothing, doesn't seek out BJ's skin the way he always has - and what does that mean? But Hawk's here and holding him, and BJ can't think beyond that. It's still early, he's exhausted, and when he starts to fall back to sleep, he doesn't bother trying to fight it.


	3. Chapter 3

There's a patch of stubble burn on Hawk's stomach, and BJ can't remember if it's his work or not. God, he  _hates_  this. He doesn't want to share, but he's afraid of pushing for more and getting left with nothing. And yet... he so, so badly wants to be the only person leaving tokens of love and passion on Hawk's skin.

He still doesn't know what's gotten into Hawk. When he woke up again, he was alone in Hawk's bed, and Hawk hasn't stopped moving: picking things up and inspecting them minutely, then suddenly putting them back down and heading off elsewhere, fluttering around the room like a butterfly with ADHD. Hawk's always been a little fidgety and restless, but even for him, this is extreme. Something about the run in with Frank has Hawk so spooked it's like he's a different person. Quiet, tense and unable to settle, even though he has every reason to stay in bed and lounge with BJ all morning.

He's just... not himself.

Hawk wandering around in his birthday suit is in other respects a delight. BJ avidly drinks him in: the contours of his chest, the planes of his back when he turns away. The wiry strength of him, slender yet sinewy...

BJ doesn't know how to take it that Hawk hasn't gotten him naked. On any other Saturday morning, BJ would have been stripped out of his skivvies and have come at least once by this point. He hopes it's just this business with Frank, but desperately fears Frank was right, that Hawk might be looking after him and being kind to him, but no longer wants him. It isn't that BJ didn't know it was a possibility, he's been half-expecting Hawk to get bored with him from the start, but the reality of it, even the potential reality of it, hurts more than he feared. It's not just about the sex, though he would (will?) miss that, but about the intimacy, about the way Hawk found a space in BJ's heart BJ barely even knew existed, and if- and if...

"Hawk?"

Hawk doesn't look up from whatever it is that has him temporarily but completely engrossed. "Mmhm?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He really doesn't sound fine.

BJ gives in and slips out of bed, pads across the room and touches Hawk's shoulder.

He doesn't expect Hawk to whip around, to grab his wrist, hard, to stare at him with a mixture of anger and fear, to look, for a second, utterly broken. "Hawk?" BJ whispers.

"Beej," Hawk breathes, then covers up the moment with a laugh. "You startled me."

Startled seems like the understatement of the century. BJ doesn't say a word or move an inch.

Hawk's grip on BJ's hand softens, then he pulls it up and kisses BJ's knuckles, sweet and gallant. "Sorry," he says. "You... caught me unawares."

"It's okay."

It's not, not really, but at least whatever's going on here isn't aimed at him. If Hawk doesn't wanna sleep with him anymore, that's one thing, and he'll deal, but he couldn't bear if he'd somehow done...  _this_  to Hawk himself. If he'd hurt Hawk, if something he did made Hawk so fragile, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

Hawk steps into his space and hugs him, and BJ has no idea what's happening, but he hugs Hawk back, strokes his hair. Hawk relaxes into him with a shudder.

"Sorry," Hawk says again.

It's the first thing to come out of his mouth all day that actually sounds like Hawk, instead of like some robot that looks, moves and talks like Hawk but isn't, in some deep, essential way, Hawkeye Pierce.

BJ has no idea where to go from here. He can't say it's okay, it's very obvious that on some level, something is very much  _not_  okay, but Hawk isn't interested in talking about it, and BJ doesn't know how to deal with it.

Eventually he tries, "You had breakfast?"

Hawk makes a noise that could either be 'No' or just a disinclination towards the concept of breakfast.

"What about a peach tart?"

He goes completely still for a moment, then laughs, and when he peeks up at BJ, he almost looks like himself. "BJ Hunnicutt, you are..."

BJ waits. "I'm what?"

Hawk shakes his head. "A very unusual person."

Well... it's not the worst thing anyone's ever said about BJ. "Thank you?"

Hawk strokes his hands into BJ's hair and pulls till he can kiss BJ's forehead. "I think you may well be one of a kind, Beej," he says softly.

"Yeah?"

"Let's go get breakfast."

* * *

This morning, it's Hawk who has trouble with his buttons, and it scares the shit out of BJ to see Hawk, who's always been equal to every situation he's encountered (including undressing for a room full of strangers), fumbling over something as simple as putting on clothes.

BJ swallows down his worry and helps Hawk dress like Hawk helped him undress last night. "I could go get the tarts myself," he says, but Hawk shuts that idea down with a look, so he finishes buttoning Hawk's shirt, dons his own pants, helps Hawk with his fly, and then they're shrugging on coats and scarves, and BJ still has no idea what's going on in Hawk's head.

Instinctively, he goes to kiss Hawk at the door, and when Hawk ducks away from him, it hurts so much BJ freezes for a second. Hawk doesn't look at him as they close the door behind them, but he takes BJ's hand in his as if- as if they're a real couple, and BJ is  _so_  fucking confused.

Having Hawk's fingers tangled into his is good, though. If it weren't for this morning's strangeness, BJ would be thrilled by the sweet, simple intimacy. As it is, he doesn't remember the last time he felt so discombobulated. Hawk's always been a little baffling, but this is on a whole different level.

They walk in comfortable silence, bumping shoulders and ambling along like a couple of old marrieds out for a stroll of a Sunday afternoon.

Peggy's at the counter when they get to the café, and BJ sees her noticing the handholding. Hawk surely does too, and BJ expects him to let go, but Hawk marches up to the counter, tugging BJ with him, and starts ordering tarts and coffee, all the while gripping BJ's hand like he's afraid BJ will be the one to let go.

"Are you all right?" Peg asks BJ (though he thinks maybe she's asking Hawk too, at least a little).

"I'm okay," BJ replies. "How about you?"

"I'm gonna get an alarm and a can of Mace, but besides that... I guess I got too comfortable. I used to be so much more careful, even at home."

It's startling to be reminded that Peg's probably been dealing with this shit since before she came here, before she was out, maybe even before she knew she was gay. And unlike BJ, she doesn't have height or weight on her side. "Just look after yourself, okay?"

Peg smiles again as she fetches their drinks and tarts, and then Hawk's paying and tugging BJ over to what BJ can't help thinking of as  _their_  table.

"You know her?" Hawk glances back at Peg.

"Yeah, she's in my chem class, I told you. I studied with her last night, and I was walking her home when Frank started hassling us."

"Oh." Hawk's forehead creases like he's suppressing a frown, and maybe BJ should point out that Peg's not remotely into him, but he's more interested in getting Hawk back to normal and... well, okay, he also can't help being kinda pleased that maybe Hawk's a bit jealous.

He probably shouldn't be, it's childish, silly, but he's only human, and he'll take what he can get. Hawk looks normal-annoyed instead of pale-fragile-vacant, and if he's also a bit possessive, fingers interlacing tightly with BJ's, well, that's a nice bonus. BJ hasn't had someone just sit and hold his hand since he was a kid, and it's  _nice_. Hawk's held his hand before, but in bed or in the middle of sex doesn't really count. Aggie wasn't a sit-and-hold-hands kind of person, and they were dating for so long, he forgot how comforting it was, or maybe never appreciated it in the first place. It's like Hawk's staking a claim on him, public and impossible to ignore. Even though it's been a strange day so far, nothing can stop the warm glow in BJ's chest at the thought.

It isn't until he's eaten almost half of his own tart that he suddenly realises Hawk isn't actually eating. He's poking at his tart, breaking off pieces of pastry and moving fruit around, and his hand is going to his mouth, but it's all smoke and mirrors.

BJ doesn't really think it through, he goes on instinct, slipping a piece of peach off of Hawk's tart, then, when Hawk opens his mouth to protest, holding it out.

For a moment, Hawk just stares, face a mixture of surprise and amusement, then he leans in, eyes locked with BJ's, and takes it from BJ's fingers, lips brushing BJ's skin. BJ offers a raspberry from his own tart next, Hawk's tongue flicks out to catch the juice escaping down his thumb, and BJ swallows hard. He's just trying to make sure Hawk actually eats something, but it's sending a crackle of arousal and need down his spine.

They weren't saying anything of much import anyway, but now they both fall silent. Hawk grins as he licks a stray bit of crème pâtissière off of BJ's knuckle, and BJ wants to launch himself across the table to taste it in Hawk's smiling mouth.

He feeds Hawk morsels until half the tart is gone and his cock is painfully, achingly hard under the table, then asks (in a shaky voice) if maybe they should take the rest back to Hawk's place to eat after lunch.

Hawk's grinning, the sparkle in his eyes back, and even the prospect of walking back to Hawk's place while trying to hide an erection doesn't dent BJ's happiness over that. He is absolutely screwed, of course. He can't even spare the attention to exchange a glance with Peg and see if she noticed what they were up to.

Hawk lightly rubs BJ's thigh the way he did that first day here in the coffeehouse. "All right?" he says.

BJ really can't find it in himself to be anything but relieved, even if this weekend might end up being an exercise in frustration and test his self-control to its limits. He wants Hawk so bad right now, but he's not sure if finger-sucking means that things are going back to normal or just that Hawk likes good French pastries and mild public indecency. Given that it's Hawkeye Pierce, the latter is a distinct possibility.

"I'm fine," BJ manages eventually.

Hawk grins even wider, and BJ wants to kiss that smile, but he restrains himself. Instead, he leans across the table to cradle Hawk's jaw in his hand and touch Hawk's lip with his thumb. Hawk blinks slowly and leans into the caress, then slips his own hand over BJ's, and turns his head to kiss BJ's wrist so softly, so tenderly, eyes on BJ to gauge his reaction.

BJ's very turned on, but he also wants to pull Hawk into his lap and hold him close, just...  _cuddle_  him, and he'd laugh at himself for being such a sap if the emotion didn't grab him by the throat and leave him unable to do a thing except watch Hawkeye watch him, watch as Hawk's eyes flutter closed and he rubs against BJ's palm like a needy cat. If BJ could speak, he would tell Hawk he's beautiful.

Hawk kisses the centre of his palm, an open-mouthed kiss that makes BJ let out a desperate whining noise. He fully expects for Hawk to laugh at him, but instead, Hawk gets up and gently tugs BJ up too.

They take their half-eaten pastries up to the counter to get them boxed up to take home, and out the corner of his eye, BJ can see Peg's grin, wide and borderline smug, but he can't tear his eyes off of Hawkeye. He could follow this man anywhere, and the notion has no right whatsoever to be so damn comforting.


	4. Chapter 4

When they get back to Hawk's place (BJ's trying not to think of it as home, but it's difficult), Hawk deposits the box of tarts in the fridge and tugs BJ to the couch. BJ's too tall to lie on it lengthwise, but with some pulling and pushing and soft laughter, Hawk gets BJ arranged to his liking, then curls up in his lap. It really is like cuddling an exceptionally large and gangly cat; BJ runs his fingers through Hawk's hair, and although Hawk doesn't actually purr, it's only a matter of time before he figures out how.

BJ starts to breathe easier, starts to think that whatever had Hawk so agitated has passed. While BJ might have uncomfortably tight pants right now, Hawk seems okay, and that's a reasonable exchange. BJ doesn't realise at first that Hawk's fallen asleep, but when he does, he's glad of it. Surely extra rest is just what Hawk needs.

Hawk's sprawled over him, head in the centre of his chest, and BJ drops a kiss on his forehead. He's glad and also incredibly touched that Hawk's able to relax so completely in his arms. It makes his heart squeeze.

He wishes he understood what's going on, what got Hawk so agitated. And at the same time, he's scared of finding out, because whatever it is must be bad to make Hawk act so... unHawklike. Hawk's so comfortable and casual and at ease, he can joke about his reputation, he can make eyes at a guy he likes when he's naked, he is undeniably cool, and yet he also finds time to study and have a GPA to aspire to. Seeing him be flustered about BJ getting into a scuffle with some douche of a junior is so unlike Hawk, and that is frightening.

With Hawk behaving like the biggest housecat BJ's ever encountered, it's natural to pet him. BJ combs his fingers through Hawk's hair and rubs his back, and Hawk makes sleepy, contented noises and snuggles in closer.

BJ chuckles, partially at Hawk and partially at himself. So much for any will he had left to protect himself, or to keep Hawkeye Pierce at any kind of distance. It's terrifying, but also strangely freeing; he's in this up to his eyeballs, with his whole heart, to the bitter end, whatever that means. He's done fighting it. Now he just has to survive it.

* * *

Hawk sleeps for maybe thirty peaceful minutes, making little snorting noises every so often. It's adorable, and BJ definitely doesn't expect him to jerk awake with a start and fight his way out of BJ's arms. BJ lets go as soon as he realises Hawk's freaked out and doesn't know where he is, and Hawk ends up at the opposite end of the couch, staring at BJ wide-eyed, his breath hard and fast and panicked.

Yet again, BJ doesn't know what to say. How can he ask if Hawk's okay when he so obviously isn't? How can he help Hawk feel safe without understanding what made him so paranoid and jumpy in the first place?

For a couple of minutes, they sit and stare at each other, then Hawk bounds up to start pacing the room again. After a few circuits, he turns the TV on, although he doesn't stop to actually watch it.

BJ watches Hawk pace and tries not to be freaked out. Hawk's still hurting, that much is obvious, and BJ isn't even a fraction closer to knowing why. BJ wants so badly to help, to soothe away whatever's giving Hawk so much grief, but he doesn't know where to begin.

Hawk's a little calmer than earlier, and BJ even manages to coax him back to the couch for a while to watch a sitcom repeat, but he's calmer only in the same way a thunderstorm is calmer than a hurricane. As soon as the end titles start, Hawk's back on his feet and prowling like a tiger in captivity.

Something must've happened to him, or to someone he knows. It's the most logical explanation BJ can think of, but it doesn't help much. He still doesn't know how to ask about it, doesn't know what to say. Hawk's extremely open about everything he's open about, which is most things, but parts of him are a closed book BJ doesn't even know how to sneak a peek at. He doesn't want to pry where he's not wanted, but the obvious pain Hawk is in makes his heart hurt.

Eventually he gets up, gets in Hawk's space, not exactly body-checking him, but making it so Hawk will have to push him out of the way.

"What?" Hawk snaps.

"I was about to ask you the same question."

That makes Hawk blink up at him in surprise. "What do you mean?" He seems genuinely confused, and BJ's half-amused and half-exasperated.

"You've been wearing a hole in the floor most of the day. What's eating you?"

Hawk averts his eyes and shrugs. "It's no big deal."

BJ raises his eyebrows and waits.

"It's nothing, okay?"

"Is it about what happened with Frank last night?"

Something about Hawk's entire body language changes, and BJ would be happy about getting this right if it didn't instantly make Hawk droop.

"It's okay, Hawk. It was no big deal. I'm all right."

Hawk scrunches his face up, doubtful and dismayed. "Sometimes... sometimes stuff happens, and I'd rather it didn't happen to anyone I-" He baulks. "Those bigots are cowards but they can be cruel, okay? And I happen to know they don't like me. At all. So if you're in their sights, if something happened to you because of me... look, I'm just not okay with that."

"Nothing happened, Hawk. It was scary, but I'm all right."

"This time, sure. I don't want you walking around with a target on your back."

"Peg said if I hadn't been there, they would've just started in on her instead."

" _They_  would've," Hawk mumbles.

"What?"

"Look - it doesn't matter." Hawk reaches up to feather his fingers across the bruise on BJ's cheek. "I'd just as soon they didn't get another shot at you for a while, that's all."

"Hawk, did one of them... hurt you? Hurt one of your friends? Or... something like that?" Hawk turns his head away, which BJ takes as a yes of sorts. "And they're still here? At this college?"

Hawk looks  _miserable_.

"I don't understand. They should get- I don't know, expelled maybe. Couldn't you just... tell someone?"

Hawk's face closes up, and BJ feels instantly guilty.

"Okay, forget I asked. I just..." BJ carefully puts his hand on Hawk's shoulder, and at least this time Hawk doesn't flinch away. "I just want to help. Any way I can. I- I care about you."

Hawk stays silent for a long, long moment. "I'm fine."

BJ fights the temptation to roll his eyes.  _So fine, you're pacing like a caged animal_. "Sure, okay, you're fine. How about we... Hell, I don't know, let's play chess, let's play cards, let's study even, just... let's do something that isn't sit here and stew or pace back and forth like you have a grudge against the carpet."

Hawk pouts, and BJ wants to tell him he's an idiot, and also wants to kiss him stupid. In lieu of either option, both of which seem unhelpful, he tentatively squeezes Hawk's shoulder, and when Hawk leans into the touch, BJ slowly pulls him into a hug and presses a kiss to his temple.

"You can quiz me," Hawk says eventually, in the tone of one granting a huge favour.

BJ is tempted to laugh, but he decides to err on the side of caution and, after one last squeeze, leads Hawk to the couch. He's used to reciprocating study help with the kisses and sexual favours Hawk's so fond of, but it'll be kind of nice - fun even - to contribute in a concrete way to Hawk's education.

Hawk's finally,  _finally_  sitting down again without twitching, and after shooting a long, thoughtful look at BJ, he plants his feet firmly in BJ's lap, and BJ laughs out of sheer relief. Whatever this is, whatever's going on here, at least Hawk is back in his space, and BJ can deal with anything as long as he still has Hawk.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the rating change!

Bedtime is... sort of awkward. Hawk insists on leaving half the lights on for no reason he'll admit to, even though it's late, not to mention it's perfectly possible (and  _normal_ ), for them to undress and tumble into bed by the glow of the streetlight through Hawk's curtains. BJ doesn't know if he should undress or not, given how skittish Hawk's been all day. He gets down to his skivvies, then sits on the edge of the bed, paralysed with indecision.

He's summoning up the courage to ask, trying to figure out the words, when Hawk comes up behind him and sits with his legs splayed either side of BJ's ass and his body flush with BJ's.

"Hawk?"

Hawk doesn't answer, just kisses BJ's neck (BJ shivers), then slips his hands up under BJ's t-shirt and slides it slowly upward. BJ raises his arms obediently to let Hawk strip him out of it, and tries not to overreact when Hawk presses against him again, skin to skin, clearly naked. Then Hawk's hooking his thumbs into the sides of BJ's jockey shorts and easing them down over his thighs, fingers warm on his legs. BJ complies automatically, but his breath is coming shallow and fast, his heart is beating like a drum, and every touch is like fire.

Hawk's hard against the small of his back - if BJ weren't already achingly aroused, that would do it - but BJ will not,  _will not_  force the issue. Whatever Hawk's going through here, BJ won't do anything to hurt him, to bring back that terrible fragility.

Once they're both naked, Hawk wraps himself around BJ, tight, possessive, and mouths at his shoulder. BJ shudders. He wants to pull Hawk close and fuck him stupid, press him into the mattress and claim him right back. He wants to make Hawk come to pieces.

But Hawk's already in a thousand pieces, in shards with sharp edges, desperately vulnerable, and BJ won't do a goddamn thing till he's sure he won't make it worse, till he knows it's okay.

Hawk kisses his way up the side of BJ's neck, nips at his earlobe, then whispers 'come to bed' in BJ's ear.

BJ lets Hawk pull him down under the comforter, and Hawk's so  _naked_  and  _hot_ , and it's almost unbearable. Hawk nips at BJ's throat, and BJ lets out a noise he didn't know he was capable of making, a deep, desperate whine pulled from the pit of his stomach.

He half expects Hawk to laugh, very much hopes he'll make it clear what he's expecting (and that what he's expecting is sex), but although Hawk runs his fingers down BJ's side and over his ass, lightly, on the very edge of ticklish, he doesn't go near BJ's crotch, doesn't press his lips to BJ's, doesn't do anything except tease.

Is it a test? Is Hawk expecting him to make a move, or seeing how far he can push BJ? Is he figuring out where the boundaries lie?

The hope that Hawk still wants him, despite what people said, despite his reputation, thrills BJ to his bones, but he's unbelievably confused. This is achingly erotic and terrifying, it feels like anything BJ does could turn out to be exactly wrong, and the only certainty he has is that he absolutely refuses to do anything he's not completely sure Hawk wants. He kisses Hawk's forehead, holds him lightly, strokes his back, and suddenly it's as if a tension BJ hadn't even noticed drains from Hawk's body. Hawk laughs, not mischievous or even amused, but more relieved, and simply happy.

"Hawk?" BJ sounds almost as overwhelmed and confused as he feels.

Hawk hums against his throat, and BJ has no idea what to ask.

"You okay?" he tries eventually.

Hawk smiles into his skin. "I was right," he murmurs. "You are definitely one of a kind." He sounds... satisfied, like he figured something out and is pleased with what he discovered.

BJ still doesn't understand (and is still painfully turned on), but Hawk seems far more at ease, and BJ's relieved about that, even if he's baffled by the rest of it. Hawk's claimed he's all right more times today than BJ cares to count, but now he thinks maybe Hawk  _is_  okay, or something close to it. The rest he'll figure out when he's had some sleep.

They lie there in the quiet for some time. BJ manages to relax a little, even though Hawk is wildly distracting. Hawk reaches across BJ to flick the light off on his side of the bed, and the room's still lit up like a lighthouse, but it feels obscurely like a victory or a vote of confidence.

Hawk settles back into BJ's side, then, "Beej?"

"Mmhm?"

"It was... something like that."

BJ frowns. "What?"

"The reason I know Frank hates me."

 _Something like what?_  BJ's on high alert out of nowhere. Is he finally going to find out what this is all about? He both badly wants to know and is terrified. "Did he beat you up? Did one of his friends? Or did they hurt someone you know?"

There's a long silence. BJ wants to find out who's responsible for whatever this is, and  _kill_  them.

"Something like that," Hawk says eventually, so quiet BJ only just hears it.

Then Hawk pulls himself even closer, drapes himself over BJ like a blanket, warm and soft and familiar. BJ strokes a hand up and down Hawk's back, then lets it rest on his tailbone and cups the other at the back of his head, playing with his hair.

"It's okay," BJ whispers.

Hawk lets out a shaky breath and relaxes even more, melting into BJ's embrace, and it's the most peaceful he's seemed all day. "Thank you."

' _I love you_ ,' BJ mouths against his forehead, and slowly, despite the light, they both drift into sleep.

* * *

"BJ? BJ!"

BJ forces himself awake at the sound of Hawk's voice, shrill and panicked in his ear.

"'M right here, Hawk. I'm here."

The lights are still on, and BJ squints. It's far too bright for whatever time of the morning this is.

"Beej?"

BJ finds Hawk's face, cups his cheeks, forces himself to open his eyes a little more. "I'm here, Hawk, it's okay."

It takes him a second to realise Hawk's eyes  _aren't_  open, that he's still asleep. Judging by his tone, he's having a nightmare. BJ pulls him in close again and rubs his hands up and down Hawk's back. "It's okay, I'm here, you're safe, it's all right," he croons, rocking Hawk gently and kissing his forehead. "I've got you."

For a while it doesn't seem to penetrate, and Hawk just gets more agitated. BJ tries to hold on hard enough to be a comfort without making Hawk feel trapped. Eventually, Hawk jerks properly awake.

"Beej?"

BJ peers down at him. His eyes are open now, albeit only just. "I'm right here," BJ whispers. "I've got you."

"Beej... you got me?"

"Always." It's too honest, and BJ almost wishes he could take it back, but Hawk's sleepy smile is worth it.

Hawk buries his face in BJ's neck. "Beej."

"You're okay, Hawk. You're safe. I've got you."

Hawk shudders and pulls himself closer to BJ, his fingers digging so hard into BJ's back that BJ's sure there will be marks there tomorrow. "'S okay?" Hawk mumbles.

"It's okay, Hawk, it's all right."

Hawk relaxes all at once, turning into a wet noodle in BJ's embrace. "'S okay. 'S okay, Beej."

"Yeah, it's all right. You're fine, Hawk, I've got you."

"You got me," Hawk says, a smile evident in his voice. "'M okay, you got me."

"Mmhm."

"You got me," he says again, softer now, like he's drifting back to sleep. "'M safe. Safe with Beej. Love you, Beej."

"What? Hawk?"

Hawk snores, but BJ is now wide awake. Did Hawk just-? Did that really just happen?

Even if it did, BJ would be afraid to read too much into it. A whispered confession from a man who's almost asleep after waking from a nightmare is not exactly conclusive. But God...

 _'Love you, Beej.'_ It may make him a sentimental fool, but BJ wants to laugh, wants to cry, and folds his arms more closely and warmly around Hawkeye.

"I love you, Benjamin Franklin Pierce," he whispers.

It takes him a long, long time to get back to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to shewho for the banana sandwiches and the wiener, and to alleyesonthehindenberg for the hoodie :D

The next time BJ wakes up, it's to something cool and fragrant being tapped against his nose. "Wha'?"

Hawk laughs softly. "Wake up, sleepyhead, an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

BJ blinks his eyes open. Hawk's right up in his face, and is indeed holding an apple. "Hawk."

"'S good for you," Hawk says. "Vitamins and fibre and all that good stuff."

BJ blinks. He isn't entirely convinced he's awake, this could very easily be a surreal dream, but he takes the apple and bites into it. His head is still fuzzy with sleep. Hawk trying to look out for him makes him smile, though.

Hawk grins widely. "Good." He drops kisses on both BJ's cheeks and his forehead, then slips away, back to the tiny kitchenette.

BJ munches his apple and shuffles himself half-upright so he can watch Hawk bustle around the place. At least he's not frenetic and hyperactive today, isn't on edge. This is a normal level of Hawk being Hawk.

He's also wearing the most ridiculously oversized hoodie BJ's ever seen on another human being, maroon, and with a  _wiener_  on the back of it. It would be cute anyway, but Hawk's skinny naked legs poking out from it complete the look, and BJ chuckles. Hawk is absurd, and it's very possible that makes BJ love him even more.

"What are you doing?" he calls over.

"Brunch," Hawk says.

His tone does not invite discussion, so BJ decides not to inquire further, or to ask why Hawk gave him an apple if he's putting food together. BJ eats his apple and watches Hawk; this may not be the very best morning he's spent in Hawk's apartment, but it's a hell of a lot better than yesterday was. (And last night... last night was...)

Eventually Hawk returns with two plates. "Maple syrup or honey?" he asks.

"What?"

"I don't know which you prefer."

"With what?"

"Banana," Hawk says, as if that should be completely obvious. He sets both plates and himself down on the bed. "I didn't know if you'd want maple syrup and banana or banana and honey, so I made both, and I'll just eat whichever one you don't want."

"Banana sandwiches?"

"They're good! Don't knock 'em till you've tried them."

"Uh... honey?" BJ hazards.

"Cool."

Hawk pushes one of the plates towards BJ. BJ puts his apple core down on it then watches, bemused, as Hawk digs in to his own sandwich, a rivulet of syrup escaping down his chin. BJ scoops it up without thinking, but when he licks his thumb clean, it occurs to him how intimate the gesture was, and he flushes.

Hawk watches him, a grin playing at the corners of his mouth even as he chews, then he swallows, and smiles properly. "Go on, tuck in."

BJ sits up and gingerly takes a bite of his sandwich, holding the plate under his mouth because honey and banana sounds like a disaster waiting to happen on several levels, including sticky bedsheets.

It turns out it's... not so bad. It's not a combination he would've chosen, but it's sweet and edible and at least a banana is fruit. Hawk watches him, eager, then pleased when BJ keeps eating. BJ doesn't see this becoming a favourite, but if it puts that look on Hawk's face, he can choke down a banana sandwich every now and then without difficulty. He's so topsy turvy, inside out, upside down in love, he'd eat a lot worse to make Hawk happy.

Hawk sprawls out after he's done eating, resting his head on BJ's shoulder. BJ sets aside his plate, because a banana sandwich is nothing on Hawk.

Hawk blinks up at him. "Beej," he murmurs. "You've got me." It's not a question, it's a statement, offered in a tone of wonder.

From nowhere, BJ's thrilled and terrified. He was trying so hard not to think about what happened, not to put too much stock into it. This is the first indication he has that maybe Hawk remembers some of it. Maybe Hawk meant it. Maybe. "Yeah," he whispers, "I've got you."

Hawk smiles softly. "Thank you," he says, and nuzzles in.

 _'Love you, Beej.'_  BJ's simultaneously afraid to trust it and absolutely exultant. He wants to say it back, out loud, he wants to get Hawk naked and love him all over. In lieu of either, he leans down to kiss Hawk's hair and forehead.

Unexpectedly, after how he's been shying away, Hawk tilts his head up and meets BJ's lips. It's soft and sweet, honey and syrup and banana and Hawk, and BJ wants to capture this moment and live in it, he wants to blurt out 'I love you, Hawkeye Pierce,' he wants this never to end.

When they surface, Hawk grins at BJ, warm and open, then nestles back down and wraps an arm around his waist. Does he remember what he said? Does he realise BJ's sitting here desperately wondering if he meant it? If BJ were a little braver, he'd put Hawk on the spot, or at least he'd ask...  _something_. As it is, he doesn't want to ask the question in case the answer isn't the one he wants. It's cowardly, he's infuriated with himself, but he just...  _can't_.

The last time someone said that to BJ, he thought that was it, the magic, the happily ever after he hadn't dared hope for, and it blew up in his face. If he couldn't trust it from his high school sweetheart, from the best family he's ever known... but on some level, he does trust it, even as he's trying to convince himself to be careful. He's scared by how deep he's gotten, scared so much more by how he can't make it stop, can't even try.

Maybe that's not so bad. He's not ready to believe Hawk loves him like he loves Hawk, there's a disconnect between love and in love, but if this weekend has taught him nothing else, he believes Hawk cares about him, that Hawk will look after him, that this thing between them is about much more than sex.

He kisses the top of Hawk's hair; Hawk chuckles, and practically crawls on top of BJ till they're face to face again, and he's not quite but almost straddling BJ's crotch. It's too bad the comforter's in the way; even with the boxers BJ discovers when he runs his hands down Hawk's back and over his ass, he would love for them to grind together, unimpeded by bedlinen. Still, it's good to be able to touch Hawk again, to stroke up under the back of his hoodie, to caress his legs, to enjoy his naked skin.

"You're gorgeous," BJ murmurs.

Hawk props his chin on one hand, gives BJ a pleased, goofy smile, and wriggles distractingly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

That makes Hawk smile even wider.

BJ holds the eye contact as long as he can, but it's too intense, too sweet. He's too afraid of reading into it. And besides, Hawk has pretty eyes, but he's pretty all over. BJ can find plenty to soak up.

There's a fresh bruise on Hawk's thigh, and BJ doesn't remember seeing it earlier in the weekend. He circles it with one finger. "You walk into the table or something?" he asks. "Or did I give you a hickey in my sleep?"

Hawk looks down, his eyes go wide, and he covers the bruise like it's something to be ashamed of. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, table."

For a moment, BJ's overwhelmed with paranoia. What if it  _is_  a hickey? What if it was someone else? But there hasn't been time for Hawk to be bitten by anyone but BJ, so it has to be an accident, except BJ can't figure out why else Hawk would be embarrassed about it.

"Naughty table," BJ says, aiming for flippancy. "Want me to kiss it better?"

There's a pause where BJ wonders if he just said exactly the wrong thing, but then Hawk giggles.

"Okay," he says, "if you're offering."

BJ laughs right back in pure relief, rolls over to topple Hawk onto the bed in an untidy sprawl, and then pauses, searches Hawk's face for a second to see if he's okay.

Hawk watches him right back, studies him, then leans forward for a second to drop a brief kiss on his nose.

BJ chuckles, pushes aside the comforter and scoots down to kiss the bruise, keeping his eyes on Hawk's the whole time. It's tempting while he's down here to press his face into Hawk's boxers. From this close up he can see that Hawk's getting the start of an erection, but he can't bear the thought of freaking Hawk out or having him pull away. Instead, he kisses the bruise, tender, passionate kisses, open-mouthed and heartfelt, once, twice, three times. On the third, Hawk lets out a shaky gasp; BJ's reasonably sure it's a good noise, but he isn't planning on pushing his luck.

Hawk tugs on his hair, and as he crawls back up the bed, it suddenly occurs to BJ that he's naked still, and Hawk is- well, at least half-dressed. Hawk slips his hand down BJ's side, over his hip and his ass and his thigh, and BJ flushes with self-consciousness and arousal.

"Damn, but you're beautiful," Hawk murmurs. "Can I- can I draw you again?"

BJ blinks. It really wasn't what he was expecting, but in a peculiar way it makes complete sense. Drawing was how they connected after all, and it's always been... intense. It might not be quite as much fun as getting naked and lost in each other, but maybe it'll get them back to that, and even if it doesn't, drawing usually relaxes and comforts Hawk, and BJ wants that even more than he wants sex.

"Sure," he whispers back. "Of course. Anytime."

Hawk smiles and bites his lip, which is stupid adorable. BJ grins back, and when Hawk goes to get his sketching gear, BJ has to press his face into the pillow and laugh, because he has it so very bad for this man, and it's so utterly ridiculous.

When Hawk comes back, he sits next to where BJ's flopped on the bed, and BJ's about to ask how Hawk wants him when Hawk touches his back.

"Beej?"

"Mmhm?"

"Where did these marks come from?"

BJ frowns and turns to look up at Hawk. "What marks?"

"You have, like... finger bruises on your back and side."

It takes BJ a moment to work out what Hawk means, and when he does he wishes he had another explanation -  _any_  other explanation - than Hawk having gripped him so hard, wishes he could dream something up, but he doesn't get a chance. Hawk's matching his fingers up with the marks and looks  _stricken_.

"Oh God, Beej, I  _hurt_  you, didn't I?"

"You didn't-"

"Yes I did, I remember - I remember grabbing you and..."

BJ catches Hawk's hand with his own, brings it up to his mouth and kisses Hawk's palm. Hawk gulps audibly and stops talking. "You didn't hurt me," BJ says softly. "I didn't even know - I didn't even remember." He kisses Hawk's wrist. "I'm fine. You were scared and disoriented. I know you wouldn't do it on purpose, and anyway, they don't even  _hurt_ , Hawk. It's okay."

"But I-"

BJ presses another kiss to Hawk's pulse point, sucks lightly at the tender skin. "I'm fine, Hawk. I'm all in one piece and so are you."

Hawk doesn't protest again, but he still looks appalled and like he might be about to cry.

BJ folds him in close, kisses him and shushes him. "It's okay," he whispers. "It's all right. I'm just glad I was here for you."

Hawk shakes his head.

"I mean it, Hawk. I- I care about you, okay? I don't give a shit about a few bruises I can't even feel. You needed someone to hold on to." He strokes Hawk's cheeks and makes him look up, then ruffles his hair. "I wanna be that someone," he admits.

Hawk's eyes are so blue and so wet, but he manages a shaky smile. "I- God, Beej. How are you so-? How are you even real?" he breathes. "I don't deserve you at all."

BJ could argue the point, but Hawk laughs softly and curls up against his chest, and he has no desire to spoil the moment with discussion.

Maybe later they'll talk about this properly. Maybe later he'll figure out a way to tell Hawk he isn't so easily scared off. Maybe, eventually, he'll find the courage to tell Hawk 'I love you' out loud. "I've got you, Hawk," he whispers instead; part of him hopes Hawk realises what he means.

Today, he'll bury his face in Hawk's hair, hold him tight, and comfort him as much as possible. And for the moment, that's enough.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some quite vulgar language but I blame Shakespeare ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

It would be nice to snuggle all afternoon, but BJ still has reading to catch up on and a paper to start. Eventually he murmurs, "Hawk?"

Hawk humphs. "Don't wanna."

"I haven't even said anything yet."

"Whatever you're about to say involves us moving, and I don't want to." Hawk peers up at him, pouting. It's cute.

"Do you want me to fail all my classes?"

Hawk scrunches up his nose. "If you dropped out, we could go back to the whole 'tied to my bed' scenario."

"That's no way to make a living."

Another humph. "You spoil all my fun."

"Yup, that's me." BJ kisses Hawk's forehead. "Your very own personal fun-spoiler."

"My very own, huh?"

"Yup."

For a moment Hawk studies BJ's expression, then he smiles, a lazy, hazy, satisfied smile. "Okay." He touches BJ's cheek. "Can I still draw you?"

BJ laughs. "As long as you don't mind drawing me while I'm studying, go right ahead."

"I can live with that."

Hawk sits up, and BJ starts to move, but Hawk puts a hand on his ass and holds him still. "No, don't move. I wanna draw you right where you are."

"My books-"

"-are just over there and I'm gonna bring them to you." 

BJ rolls his eyes, but it's not exactly a hardship. Once Hawk brings his stuff over, he props himself up on his elbows and flips through to the chapter his sociology prof assigned for the weekend.

"This okay?" he asks over his shoulder. Hawk's sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed, feet propped up, much like the very first morning BJ woke up here, except then they were both naked.

"Beautiful. Ass that won't quit and legs for miles."

BJ grins and flushes and turns back to his textbook.

It's surprisingly normal, studying naked on Hawk's bed while Hawk draws him. The soft scratch of pencil on paper and the swish of pages being turned, the kind of company where they can be comfortably quiet together, it's all very peaceful. Now and then Hawk throws over a curveball, some little bio nugget he's picked up that he wants to see if BJ knows. He's always delighted when BJ does, but equally happy to explain anything that's new.

Once BJ's finished his chapter and organised his notes into something he can study from, he kinda needs to move. "You done?"

Hawk chuckles. "Done drawing you? Never. Done with this picture? Sure, I think so." He flops down beside BJ before BJ even turns to look, lying close enough their thighs and shoulders touch, and puts his open sketchpad over BJ's textbook.

It's no longer quite so startling to see nude pictures of himself, BJ doesn't automatically blush every time like he used to, but it's still intimate and strange (and maybe kind of wonderful).

This one isn't even sexual, not really, despite the loving detail: BJ's shoulders and back captured with care, the minutely shaded curves of his ass, the muscles of his thighs, the shadow between his legs that hints at sex.

It's all balanced beautifully and rather humorously by the sprawl of books and paper Hawk has reproduced just as faithfully as he's drawn BJ's body, the pencil tucked behind BJ's ear, and the expression of consternation visible as BJ glances to one side, like he's struggling to get his head around something he just read.

BJ laughs softly. "Damn, Hawk."

"What?"

"You're just - you're a hell of an artist, that's all," BJ says, catching Hawk's eye and hoping his sincerity is evident. 

Hawk grins, his bottom lip caught between his teeth, and budges his shoulder into BJ's. "You like it?"

"Of course. It's great."

Hawk ducks his head, grin widening. He's adorable when he's delighted. "Thanks."

BJ tugs on his chin to make him look up. "It's really good, Hawk," he says, then leans in for a kiss, careful and gentle because he doesn't wanna stir up whatever's had Hawk so spooked. Hawk responds in kind; BJ missed this easy intimacy so much, is so grateful to have it back.

When they surface, Hawk still has that wide-eyed delight all over his face. "So, you done with your homework?"

BJ shakes his head. "I wish."

Hawk pouts.

"I still have a paper to plan. I can't do that lying naked on your bed."

That gets BJ a deeper pout and a put-upon sigh. He turns on his side so that he can look at Hawk properly. "Don't you have stuff for class?"

Hawk shrugs. "I do better under pressure. I write most of my papers the night before they're due. Or sometimes the morning they're due."

"Seriously?"

"Why fix what ain't broken?"

BJ doesn't have a whole lot of faith in Hawk's judgement about what is and isn't broken, but it seems unlikely he'll develop better study skills just because it was BJ's idea.

"Hey, I can help you with yours," Hawk says, grabbing BJ's arm and wide-eyed again but for a different reason. BJ's not seen this shade of puppy dog eager on him before. "What's it about?"

"It's Shakespeare," BJ says. It's yet another annoying catchup course, and this one didn't come with the bonus of getting to stare at a naked Hawkeye Pierce.

Hawk raises an eyebrow. "You're taking a Shakespeare class?" he asks, and BJ honestly can't tell if he's amused or doubtful.

"It wasn't my first choice."

Hawk's mouth twitches.

"I got closed out of the one I wanted and I had to make sure it fit with my schedule. I didn't exactly have many options. It's not my fault they made the damn essay course a graduation requirement," BJ grumbles. "My old college said I didn't need it, I thought I was home free, but CU insisted, and now instead of something useful like 'Beginning Nonfiction Writing', I'm stuck in 'Dissecting Shakespearean Sonnets' - I'm so screwed."

"No you're not." Hawk smirks. "At least it's Shakespeare."

"That's a good thing?"

Hawk stretches out, grinning widely. "It is when you have a veteran of the notoriously thorough and infamously difficult Shakespeare survey class in your back pocket."

It's BJ's turn to raise a sceptical eyebrow. "Hawkeye, why the hell would you take that class when you didn't even have to?"

Hawk shrugs. "Someone bet me I couldn't pass it. They lost. Spectacularly." He says it very simply, as if it's no big deal.

BJ's heard of the class. It's a big deal. "I'm impressed."

That gets a tiny smile along with another shrug, and BJ knows he's said the right thing. Hawk needs reminding now and then that he _is_ smart, impressively so, and that BJ's well aware he's not just a pretty face. 

After a moment, Hawk ducks his head and presses his face into BJ's shoulder, embarrassed and pleased. "It's just a class," he says, but BJ knows him well enough to recognise he's actually proud of himself.

They stay like that for a few minutes, and when Hawk kisses BJ's throat and up to his ear, BJ closes his eyes. "Damn, but you're pretty," Hawk murmurs against the corner of his jaw. "You should always study naked." He slides his fingers down BJ's spine, and BJ shivers, which makes Hawk chuckle. "Seriously, you're _beautiful_ , Beej."

BJ has been called a lot of things - cute, hot, handsome, for a start - but he doesn't remember ever being called beautiful before Hawk came along. Certainly no one ever paid him compliments in a tone of such reverent wonder. "Thanks," he manages. "I... thank you." 

Hawk laughs softly. "C'mon then, gorgeous, back to study. What do you need to do today?"

BJ takes a deep breath, and his voice only shakes a little when he speaks. "Uh, I need a title and a plan?" he says, damning himself for sounding so uncertain. "I don't even know where to start, Hawk."

Hawk pulls back and grins. "I can help with that. I bet the lecturer runs out of assignments before I run out of stuff you can write about."

"You think? Exactly how many paper titles can you come up with?"

"Oh, _dozens_. 'Dick Jokes in Shakespeare' is the one I'd go for if you were studying the plays, but-"

Okay, Hawk's teasing him now. "Dick jokes?"

Hawk puts on his best innocent face. "Absolutely. Dick and pussy jokes are very Shakespearean."

BJ blinks. " _Pussy_ jokes?" Has he just completely missed what Hawk's trying to say, or is Hawk fooling around? "You mean... like, cats?"

Hawk giggles. (It's absurdly winsome.) "I emphatically do not mean cats. I mean _cunts_."

That makes BJ flush. "In _Shakespeare_?"

"He loved pussy jokes. Vulgar as hell, our Will."

"Name one."

"Just one? Where's the fun in that?"

"Hawk-"

"Okay, okay. The most famous one is probably 'Much Ado About Nothing', which is right there in the title."

"I... don't get it."

Hawk runs the back of his hand down BJ's stomach and wraps two fingers lightly around his cock. "Well, you have something here, right?"

BJ nods.

"And girls have 'nothing' here. So the play's really called 'A Lot Of Fuss About Pussy', see?"

BJ gulps. "You're kidding me," he says.

"Nope." Hawk caresses BJ one more time then lets go. (BJ's not sure if he's disappointed or relieved.) "Trust me, if I was Shakespeare, I would write a play called Much Ado About Chickens and make lots of saucy references to how good your cock is, and the bard would totally approve." Hawk peers up at BJ through his eyelashes, and his voice has dropped to warm and sultry, and although it's obviously (mostly) a joke, it still has BJ hot under the collar he isn't actually wearing. "Then you have Hamlet laying his head in Ophelia's lap and talking about 'country matters', which isn't the most subtle pun he ever made but it gets the point across."

"You're making this up."

"It's all there! Scout's honour. I wrote so many papers about what a horny fucker Shakespeare was that semester. Good times."

"You were a Boy Scout?"

BJ means it as a joke, then regrets it when Hawk looks - well, sad.

"Baby me was a lot of things," Hawk says softly, before shaking his head and plastering his smile back on. "So, sonnets. I know those, too." 

It's probably best to let the subject change go. "You do?" 

"Yup. Okay, paper titles. How about tackling homosexual subtext in the sonnets?" 

"Homosexual subtext?" BJ asks incredulously. 

"Well, you're right," Hawk says, "a lot of it is less subtexty and more just... text." His smile has turned more natural.

BJ has no idea how to respond. "Such as?"

"You want examples?"

"Sure."

Hawkeye looks at BJ for a moment, as if he's considering his options. Then-

"Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date..."

Hawk's voice has dropped into a lilting timbre that BJ couldn't interrupt if he wanted to. Hawk recites the entire poem, and sure, BJ's heard it before, but he's never had someone say it to him as if they meant every word, as if they wrote it themselves to describe their feelings for him.

"... So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,  
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."

There's a moment, when Hawk reaches the end, where it takes every ounce of willpower BJ has not to kiss him stupid. "Uh," he says eventually.

"Familiar?" Hawk asks, his face all innocence.

BJ nods. "I don't get the, uh... subtext, though."

Hawk's definitely suppressing a grin. "That one isn't subtext, that one's just text." When BJ gives him a blank look, the grin comes out. "That sonnet was addressed to the Fair Youth."

"The who?"

"No one knows exactly who it was, but some young man Shakespeare wrote a heap of sonnets about."

"What?"

Hawk looks extremely entertained by BJ's disbelief. "One hundred twenty six of them, actually."

BJ stares at him. "You're definitely making this up." 

"Nope." 

"You must be!" 

"Honest to God! I swear to you, Beej, Shakespeare was a horny fucking queer."

He's gone from amused to sincere. BJ's not actually sure he's ever seen Hawk look quite this desperately earnest. "Really?"

"Oh Beej, it's going to be so much fun educating you."

"Yeah?"

"So much." Hawk grins and leans in to steal another kiss. "Want another banana? Keep you going while we study?"

BJ laughs. "What is it with you and bananas?" 

Hawk looks away and shrugs. "They're comfort food." He sits up on the bed and crosses his legs, and suddenly it's like he's thousands of miles away.

"Hawk?"

There's no response, then BJ notices how tightly Hawk's gripping his own forearm, how the beds of his nails are white, how hard his fingers are pressing into his skin. 

"Hawk!" He pulls Hawk's hand away. There are marks where Hawk dug his fingers into his arm and little red crescents from his fingernails. BJ looks up at Hawk, who's staring at him in confusion.

"What, Beej?" He still has a slightly distant look in his eye, and BJ can't imagine why bananas, of all things (especially given how enthusiastic Hawk seems to be about them), would get this reaction. 

"Hawk, you hurt yourself." BJ strokes his fingers lightly over the marks, then decides to hell with it and tugs till he can drop a kiss there.

Hawk laughs softly. "Sap."

BJ can't exactly deny it. "I don't like it when you hurt," he admits softly.

"I'm fine, Beej."

BJ searches Hawk's face.

"I didn't mean to do it," Hawk insists. "I was miles away. It's no big deal." He tugs the sleeves of his hoodie down over his forearms. "Don't worry about it." 

That almost makes BJ laugh. If only not worrying about Hawk was so easy.

"So, gay sonnets." Hawk visibly pulls himself together. "I guess that means I should find my copy." He gets up, all legs and restless energy.

"I guess." BJ would like to say- _something_ , he's not sure what. Would like to press, to find out what's going on in Hawk's head, and help. But he doesn't have the words. "Hawk?" he says instead, as he watches Hawk bustle around the room.

"Mmhm?"

"Thanks. For helping."

Hawk gives him a heartstoppingly sweet smile. "You're welcome, Beej."

Maybe, eventually, BJ will figure out what to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to shewho for the Shakespeare class idea


	8. Chapter 8

"You're so pretty," Hawk says when BJ comes back from brushing his teeth. Hawk's tucked in up to his chin; given how their weekend went, BJ would be tempted to take it as a bad sign, but Hawk's eyes are sparkling and there's mischief in his grin. (It's adorable.) Whatever reason he has for burrowing so deep under the comforter, it isn't anything bad.

BJ grins foolishly back. He's still naked; Hawk took his clothing hostage, and besides, the way Hawk looks at him, being naked for a day doesn't seem so bad. "You're an idiot."

Hawk grins wider. "And you're the one who's dating me, so what does that make you?"

 _An idiot's boyfriend_ is what BJ wants to say, but he isn't brave enough just yet. "Another idiot?"

Hawk throws his head back and cackles. (BJ's never going to take that sound for granted ever again.) "C'mere, gorgeous."

It's not that late, but given their lack of sound sleep the last two nights and it being Monday tomorrow, BJ has even less objection than usual to an evening snuggled in bed with Hawk. He turns the bedside light off and yawns hugely as he slips in under the covers, then swallows hard when Hawk presses close and it turns out he's naked, too.

Hawk makes a cosy, comfortable noise, tucks himself under BJ's arm, and nuzzles into his chest. _Fuck_. At least it's not a repeat of the painful not-actually-a-seduction of last night, not Hawk deliberately pushing his buttons, just warm affection. BJ has to take a couple of deep (rather shaky) breaths, but it's okay, he's all right. There are worse things to endure than a case of blue balls.

He's not making any assumptions. He hopes dearly this is another step back toward normal (and toward sex, because he wants Hawk so much it hurts), but he's determined to let things progress on Hawk's timetable, even if that means he has to jerk off till his hand aches. He'd put up with far more for Hawk's sake, and he'd do almost anything to avoid a repeat of how fragile and scared Hawk's been. If BJ can keep Hawk from ever being so unhappy ever again, he will.

"You make the best pillow," Hawk murmurs.

"Thanks. I think. And you're welcome."

"'M so tired. Sorry."

BJ presses a kiss to his hair. "That's okay. You can sleep as long as you need to."

"Oh, Beej. Why are you so good to me?"

It's a good thing it's dark, so Hawk won't see BJ rolling his eyes at the stupidest question Hawk's ever asked him. _Because I'm hopelessly in love with you, you dope._ "Because- because I care about you."

"It's lousy work."

There's something familiar about it; BJ almost thinks it's a quote, but he can't place it. "Not when it's you," he says, so quietly he's not sure if Hawk will hear it or not.

Part of him wants to yell it - he's less invested than ever in pretending this is anything close to casual - but he's exhausted and so is Hawk, and he's loath to spoil the moment with ill-timed revelations. He's happy right here.

Tomorrow they'll be back in the real world, with lectures and seminars and papers that won't wait, but for now, he can turn that part of his brain off and relax. All he wants is to lie here and hold the man he loves and keep him safe.

It's enough.

_~ fin ~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life has been kicking my ass up and down the hall, but I haven't given up! And hey look, I finished a story *falls over* Sorry it's been so long since the last update!
> 
> I think I am probably erring on the side of caution leaving this rated M and as "chose not to warn", but I'd rather be too cautious than not cautious enough, so unless someone convinces me otherwise, I'm leaving it with that rating/warning.


End file.
